Dear Diary (My First Entry)

February 1, 2009

And when I shall die, take him and cut him up in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will fall in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.

-Juliet

Romeo And Juliet.

I had written this quote down in an old diary I brought with me to Forks. I scribbled hearts around it while thinking of his pale porcelain face. I knew nothing of him then. Nothing of his immortality, strength, speed or how dangerous he was. All I knew then, was that he was the most beautiful being I’ve even seen. Actually, “beautiful” isn’t a strong enough word as it is described in the dictionary as:

beau·ti·ful

adj.

1. Having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight.

2. Excellent; wonderful.

Edward is more than this. To this day, I’ve never been able to think of a great enough word to describe him. He’s pulled at my now lifeless heart strings since the first time I laid eyes on him. Now, I see some of those indescribable qualities in myself, too. And, in mine and Edward’s daughter, Renesmee “Nessie” Carlie Cullen.

To say my life has changed “drastically” since moving to Forks, Washington is the understatement of a lifetime. My life, in all it’s immortal glory isn’t the only thing that has changed. My appearance has also become distinct. When I used to look in the mirror I’d see a soft, plain, pale looking, brown eyed girl looking back at me. Now, I see a porcelain skinned, red eyed, strong, beautiful… vampire. I’m still not used to saying that. I doubt I ever will be, and for me eternity is a long time to not be used to something. One thing I am happy I won’t have to get “used” to, is my crimson eyes. They are slowly changing, falling into a golden brown color with tinges of red. I’ve stopped wearing my contacts around Charlie, and Sue - Charlie’s partner. Alice sees great things happening between them. It makes me happy to know Charlie isn’t lonely.

They still don’t ask questions, and I still don’t offer any information. After watching Jacob transform into a wolf, Charlie has become aware of the fact that there’s something very strange happening. However, he also knows no one would ever hurt him.

Sometimes I go back to his house in the middle of the night to check on him. I crawl through my old window and go into his room to usually find him dreaming of something either fishing or work related. I miss him. I miss a lot of things. I’ll never have to miss Edward though.

Jacob comes to visit Renesmee often. A little too often, but I am understanding more and more. She’s growing so very fast, and he wants to be there to see everything. She often shows Edward and I that she loves Jacob. She looks at him like a best friend or brother. I’ll always be grateful for Jacob and his bravery when the Volturi came. I was thankful to have him there, to run with Renesmee in case the Volturi decided to fight. I’ve always been grateful for Jacob, for always being there. Always.

I am going to sign off now. Edward and I are going to go sing Renesmee to sleep. Well, Edward is going to. I can’t sing. But, I watch. I love watching my two angels . The two loves of my life. Forever.

-Bella

Dear Diary (Part 2. Meadow. Through His Eyes)
September 14, 2009

Here I was before her, exposing myself in the midday sun. I felt utterly conflicted in that moment. Selfish. I was more afraid that Bella would run and never look back than I was of me… well, slipping up. I wanted her to run, to keep herself safe, but at the same time I felt so good whenever she was near.
I kept my eyes closed. I was apprehensive to see her expression. I could hear her lightly gasping, though, and I wasn’t sure if she was completely frightened by my glistening skin, or if she was feeling slightly disoriented by everything. This was a lot for a weak, gentle, innocent human to have to take in.
Bella is the only person in my life who has been able to make me afraid… no, petrified. I was thoroughly petrified of her disappearing, running and never looking back. It was too easy to me myself around her, and I never want to lose that. I never want to lose her.
I hummed lightly to myself while Bella analyzed my skin, the skin of a masochistic monster. I felt her warm finger gently glide over the back of my hand and knew she wasn’t afraid. I opened my eyes to look at the beautiful, somewhat crazy human in front of me. I couldn’t read her mind, and it was frustrating. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t afraid. Did she want to die?
Her fingers were trembling slightly as she began to trace her hand over my forearm. It felt so good, too good, to let her touch me and get that close. I wanted to be closer, but I had to resist. Bella is the most important person in my life now, and I can’t make any mistakes with her. I won't.
When I asked what she was thinking, she admitted she was afraid. Again, I was conflicted. Do I convince her not to be afraid, because, deep down I almost know I could never hurt her - or do I tell her to be afraid, to run, knowing there’s a slight chance I could lose control. She wasn’t afraid of me losing control, though. She trusted me. I couldn’t understand what she was afraid of, or why she trusted me so much.
I needed a moment, just a few seconds away from her to sort out the frustration I felt from not having the ability to read her mind. Not being able to know when she was afraid, or wasn’t. I could see it upset her that I felt the need to distance myself, but I was still dangerous. Still a lethal vampire. I had to be careful.
I apologized for so impulsively leaving, and I could smell, almost taste her fear. Finally, she was afraid of me. I felt a surge of strength come over me. I felt angry, annoyed that I couldn’t simply lay in the beautiful meadow with Bella, like a human boy would be able to. More than ever, I hated being what I am. I don’t want Bella to have to be frightened, ever.

I showed Bella a side of me I didn’t want her to see. Right then she witnessed my speed, strength and bitterness all at once. When I ripped a two foot thick branch from the trunk of a spruce, her beautiful brown eyes widened in fear and the sight of Bella feeling anything but protected by me was hard to see. I stopped, regaining control of myself. I didn’t want her to think that I was going to hurt her, or that I ever could. I assured her I wasn’t thirsty and that she didn’t have to be afraid.
Who was I to tell her she didn’t have to be afraid, though? She was alone, in a meadow with a vampire who was ripping tree trucks from the ground and throwing them around, sparkling in the sun and telling her I am the worlds best predator.
I asked her if she was alright and when she smiled back at me I grew more confused, but was quickly distracted by the feeling of her fingers tracing lines over my hand. She was so warm. I have never been so close to a human for this long. Any human interaction I’ve had has been quick and, well, thirst quenching. This is the first time I have let a human come so close without it ending tragically. This was all so new to me. So foreign.

Bella was more afraid of me leaving, or us not being able to be together than becoming my next meal. I, too, was daunted by the same thought. I knew I should have left before it turned into this. Before we began to have real feeling for each other. How could I be so selfish, to keep Bella around for my own contentment. I admitted to her that I was too selfish to leave, and that I craved her company too much to do what I should. I never want her to think it’s only her company I crave, though. I need Bella to always know that I am more dangerous to her than anyone else. Her scent, it’s like a drug to me. She’s my own personal brand of heroin. My analogies aren’t the greatest, but it’s truly something I cannot describe.
I admitted that I had to go to Alaska to avoid killing her. It was embarrassing, to admit I had to run away from her, a frail human. I told her everything, though. She knows about how I almost killed her right there in the classroom. She knows how hard I had to resist the temptation to follow her after class - and about the great lengths I had to go to to avoid her, her scent. She also knows that if I ever hurt her, I could never live with myself, she is the most important thing to me now. And I know that Bella would rather die than to stay away from me. She risks her life every time we’re together, but refuses to stay away. I can’t stay away from her, either.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.”
Bella is indeed a stupid lamb, and I am a sick masochistic lion. But we are in love. It’s the most forbidden love of all, but sometimes the forbidden fruit tastes the best. The consequences of loving a human aren’t enough to make me stay away.
If anything, I got closer to her. When I grazed my nose across Bella’s neck, the scorching was more intense than anything I have ever felt. The smell was sweet and intoxicating, yet caused an explosion of flames in my throat. But I knew I was in control. The best torture is the torture I feel around Bella. It’s painful, almost unbearable - but every time she is near, I feel more human than ever. I feel emotions that a mortiferous creature should not feel. I have human instincts, but they’re buried so far down that I don’t know what to do with them when they surface.With time, I will get better at controlling these complex human feelings.
I showed Bella how vampires travel. I don’t think she was overly amused. She had to lie down afterwards, and I felt horrible for making her sick. She was as pale as… well, me. She still wasn’t afraid, though. Fascinating. This frail girl is literally fascinating to me. She accepts everything about me.
I had to try something with her and I couldn’t show her how absolutely petrified I was. Slowly and hesitantly I pressed my lips onto her warm, delicate lips. I could feel and smell her body temperature rise and then, she lost control. She lost control. Her fingers braided themselves into my hair and she began to gasp as her blood boiled beneath her lips. She tried to tug be into her and I wanted to follow her lead so badly. I wanted so much to be able to let my human feelings take over, but I couldn’t lose control with her. I had to push her away from me.
She was embarrassed. That, I could tell. I reassured her that she is only human. She was never required to practice the control I have had to perfect over the years, so I almost expected her to lose control to some extent. I was proud, too. Bella looked completely drunk after our kiss. I knew I could make her happy. I was proud that I could control myself most of all. That I could be close to her and not hurt her.
Our drive back was different. I felt like I could tell her everything and anything now. Nothing was a secret anymore. She seemed unsurprised when I told her I was born in 1901, and turned in 1918. Being with Bella is easy. I love her more than anything, she is my life now. She is my everything.
-Edward